Citizens of America, I am proud to be here today to defend two great injustices.

As a lawyer from Illinois in my youth, I stand here to make the case for something that has been respected and a valuable part of our country for generations. It is not that I, personally, am insulted by the recent obvious snub to my image. This is not a matter of personal vanity.

However, I will add that after speaking with other past presidents who have been honored by having their face and name on our country’s money, they all agreed that they would be insulted if a coin or bill graced with their image, that, well . . . they would be both mad and sad.

Was it not bad enough that the powers decided that my face should be on the smallest denomination?

Jefferson got the nickel, Roosevelt got the dime, Washington got the quarter, Kennedy got the half dollar, and Eisenhower got the best—the silver dollar. Would you not have resented that? I accepted that. But now this? I protest!

So, my fellow countrymen, I am President Abraham Lincoln, the 16th to have held this esteemed office. You may have heard of me. I made that speech, the Emancipation Proclamation, and was your president through the hard days of the Civil War, which we won.

My death was very dramatic. I went to Ford’s Theater with my wife, Mary, for some well-deserved R&R, and what did I get? Some wannabe actor named Booth decided to steal the show by killing me. Not only did that ruin my whole night, but the man also killed me.

So, they later honored me with a tiny copper coin called the penny. Not to complain, but they didn’t even give it an original name. The British already had a coin called a penny—and remember, they were the ones we fought for independence. Really?

Sure, they tried to soothe my ruffled feathers by calling it the Lincoln penny. But Benjamin Franklin got a bigger coin. It took me a couple of centuries to get over that.

Now—well, last year, though from where I stand it feels like now—some new president named Donald Trump decides I am no longer needed. Honestly, how would you feel?

So, I’m here today to ask you, readers, to storm the gates and fight for that copper coin with my handsome portrait on it. Pretty handsome, isn’t it? If you turn me over, you get to look at my impressive Lincoln Memorial.

First, how about all those lonely penny banks? People used these containers that came in a wide variety of styles. I favored the piggy bank myself because it encouraged the practice of saving. That was a darn good lesson if you ask me.

It was easy for these tots to beg people for a penny because it was just a penny, and it created a good habit in us tykes.

Do you remember your aunt giving you a nice shiny penny, holding it up before you with such pride? What about all those people who made a living making those banks? What happens to them now?

And I ask you—what are people to do with all their gallon jars filled with the once-treasured coins?

How about the once very popular penny loafer? Young girls begged their parents for a pair of those leather classics, which had to have a shiny copper penny in the front tab.

Then there were those famous little dishes near cash registers, filled with pennies for customers who were short on change. Remember the sign “Give a penny, take a penny”?

I always thought that was a fine American tradition. We helped each other: “Here, have a penny.” And remember those folks saying to you, “Isn’t that a great engraving of our greatest president?”

Penny candy! How could anybody argue that penny candy wasn’t the coolest thing ever? Your parents could give you a dime, and it could take you forever to decide which ten candies to choose. What a sweet memory.

How about all the zillions of coin collectors? These people have looked high and low for a special year from a specific mint, and now what?

What are people going to do when they leave their treasured coin collection to their favorite heir? Can’t you hear them complaining about why he didn’t collect something good like dimes?

Think of all the coin shops who just lost a valued part of their business. Oh, the inhumanity of it all.

I tell you, it is going to cost you all money. No more 99-cent sales! Taxes will be raised to meet the new low in coin. Just watch—you are going to miss that copper coin.

President Trump decided to stop the printing, saying it cost too much to make. I ask, what price for beauty? The last penny was minted on Nov. 12, 2025. Maybe they will make a miniseries about them.

Some things should just be considered sacred. What will go next? Record players? CDs? Boom boxes?

Oh, yes, and the other thing. I am doing this for an old friend, the month of August. What did that poor month do to you, Mr. Calendar?

Does August get to brag with the other months who say, “People color eggs in my month and celebrate holidays,” or “Hey, wear green for St. Patrick’s Day”? Some months even have parades.

February brags about Presidents’ Day and Valentine’s Day. Stores love that month because they make extra money. January even has a party. Big deal—it is all about New Year’s.

October has Halloween, and everybody loves that month. November has Thanksgiving. September has Labor Day, then there is the Fourth of July . . . so many celebrations!

Don’t even get me started on the most spoiled month of the year, December. All the month of August wants is a little respect.

All of those autumn lovers are in such a hurry to have the hot month over. Even on Facebook, I am told there are countdowns until fall. Can you imagine how that makes August feel?

You know what August is famous for? Try National Tooth Fairy Day. Be Kind to Humankind Day, and Clutter Awareness Day. That really excites you, right?

So, on behalf of August, please come up with a holiday for it. It just wants to feel wanted.

Thank you for listening to your favorite president, and if you all decide to rally for my coin to come back, I will be mighty grateful. This has been Honest Abe, over and out.